Lazarus and being enough

For the longest time I thought he was enough.
So I felt I didn’t need to do many things, read many books, search and seek, pray, exercise, connect in an authentic way (and not via FB).
Because it was enough to be with him.

Until it wasn’t.
And it’s not his fault.

It should have been all around and within me. with or without him.
These things that are important.
Because it wouldn’t have been just one source of “enoughness.”
It wouldn’t have been drained.
Or at least I wouldn’t find a way to blame myself again.
If I knew that what I did for me was truly enough for me.

Maybe he would still be here.
Hhmm… I don’t think so.
He certainly doesn’t think so.
I think he was already drained when he returned from hell.
So maybe I am not to blame at all.
Even when I became nothing but a shell of a person.
In the attempt to love him better, I loved myself worst.

So, it is important that I promise myself today, that I can’t stop doing many things, reading many books, doing yoga, exercising, spending with friends, praying, seeking, searching, listening, staying healthy and being.
Because that is enough.

With or without him.

grateful slice: awareness #2 and the promises I won’t break.


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