I had a migraine from hell yesterday that put me out of commission starting 5:00 pm, only to leave when I woke up at 6 this morning. It was horrible. I think though, that my body was just being very clear about some things. These being:
1. That I need rest.
2. That C and I need to really train for these marathons if we intend to join any more.
3. That if we do not train, we will probably get injured or something.
4. That I had an emotionally tough weekend.
5. That I had taken 5 steps too many in my recovery and took maybe a couple of steps back
6. That this is what it is like in relationship rehab — the withdrawal symptoms are the most wicked and mind numbing
7. That I may have had sun stroke
8. That I was dehydrated and overall was just doing and thinking and handling too much.
So I slept.
for 12 hours (almost straight).
I woke up feeling better physically but the burdens of my heart and my mind were still so present.
So I prayed.
I trudged through the rest of the day fighting back my tears — so by the time I was ready to meet S for our one-month-to-live thing, my migraine from hell was back.
It is amazing though what a friend, prayer and confession can do.
I let out my dark and destructive thoughts – the flagellation and the flogging- and S helped me forgive myself. At least decide to. She help me spot the vicious cycle of judge and victim and just told me to stop.
So I did.
And my migraine disappeared.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
I have a ton of work but am looking forward to DAET and boracay and the states.
But not to escape.
These are going to be vacations about connecting.
And getting closer to the source.
I forgive HH today.
I really do.
I forgive him.
I also forgive myself.
It’s nobody’s fault.
It’s just the way it was meant to play out.
I forgive both of us.
Even if I am still in detox, I am letting the healing begin.
grateful slice: clarity and forgiveness