What a brilliant day filled with discoveries and acceptance.
First, I discovered the freaking pedestrian overpass (through S) that runs through De la Rosa. It sounds really lame but it brought me so much joy to be able to walk from S’s mom’s apartment to my place. It was really a pleasant discovery. It reminded me that I didn’t not like Makati or the city or the Philippines. That was someone else’s dislike, not mine.
Then, I had a really great session with Dr. R.
She was patient and kind as she let me overanalyze, vacillate and replay and repeat and go round and round. She answered my questions with a combined firmness and gentleness that allowed my heart to just open up.
I have been replaying the dreaded scene in my head for days. And as much as I knew how pointless it was, I still kept on doing it for some reason. The whip was out, the overanalytical mind was on overdrive and I was flogging myself with a vengeance. It was painful and necessary and absolutely exhausting.
Finally, after I gave her the blow by blow, the actual dialogue, what went down, the he said/she said, the sharing that felt like a confession, it hit me (and well, her), that I was doing that because I just was not ready.
No matter how right the decision was, how true it was, how inevitable it was, my heart was just not ready.
To lose a beloved.
To mourn the death of what meant so much to me for so long.
To lose my bestfriend, husband, lover, gift, patient, companion, partner, and boytoy rolled into one.
The rug was pulled right under me (and thinking it was my own doing), and I JUST WAS NOT READY.
So, I replayed and replayed the scene in mind, to see, how I could have avoided it.
How I could have not placed myself right here.
How I pushed the universe to give me what I want, what was good for me, what was truly in my heart.
Because I just was not ready.
the minute that bomb hit me, the struggle, the agony, the questions, the need to be affirmed that I loved him true and well, disappeared.
It just evaporated.
I just needed to embrace that fact that no matter how real the divide was, I was not ready to face the truth.
And by knowing that I didn’t want to know the truth, the truth set me free.
I did love him full and well. (still do.)
I did do my best.
I did not give up.
We were right for each other for a time.
And now that it is different,
I must move with the cheese.
But I needed to know that I wasn’t ready, so that I could be ready.
I can hear S telling me, “you are so complicated, P.”
And I’ll reply, “I know. And it’s all good.”
Tomorrow, we run. I pray that our legs and our lungs will be strong, just like our resolve and our faith.
As for today, it is already different. So so different from yesterday’s struggle to make sense of it all.
I really do feel like I walked through some new door.
And it feels excellent.
grateful slice: breakthroughs and owning them.