I felt really good this morning. While driving to school early in the morning, it just silently and surprisingly hit me, just how good I felt.
But it wasn’t your normal feel-good feeling.
It was beyond explanation-out of this world-at the core peaceful/grateful-no trace of the gaping hole-Godly-I’m on top of the world-new and improved-metamorphosis kind of pure feel good.
I am not exaggerating.
It carried on no matter how horridly hectic my day was today. From the jam packed rehearsal morning, back to back classes, back to back meetings then the phenomenal Night of the Notables, I was unfazed.
Then tonight, while I was in the shower thinking of what Adam might do in the show after the commercial, I allowed myself to feel angry.
It just entered my brain that it was not my fault he acted the way he did. that he chose to show a side that was repressed and silent and almost afraid. the face he shows his mother.
It made me angry that he chose to show me his game face.
the face that nodded and complied and opted for multiple choice and not authenticity. the one that avoided confrontation.
It made me angry because he is so much bigger than his sadness or this coping out.
It made me angry because I was so not supposed to be part of the posse’ that deserved that effing face.
I deserved the true him all the time. The one who trusted me to love, no matter who he was, no matter where he was. the one who didn’t shut people out.
I thought of the maleta of “joy” and began to get confused who was who in the end.
the true him seems to always just want to escape.
then I let it go.
Because it’s not worth it.
And really, that game face, whichever it is, is not about me.
It’s about him.
Not choosing life.
So in the end, I channeled the inexplicable bliss and said a prayer for this man; a man, I love dearly.
The one I cannot recognize right now.
I said a prayer and let the anger go.
I still believe, in my heart, that he is so much bigger than the abyss he is swimming in and one day, he will come out of it, triumphant.
the way many of us did.
the way I did.
grateful slice: inexplicable happiness, predictable anger and hope