I believe I’ve known God all my life but there’s something about meeting him over and over again (which ultimately started early this year); recognizing him, paying attention to him, knowing him, developing a relationship with him, choosing him. He dropped hint upon hint; greatness upon greatness and used nature to pursue me with a vengeance. He was relentless and I am glad because it forced me to come full circle and not just stop mid way like I would usually tend to do.
Coming full circle began with my seeing the crater in Pinatubo for the first time after a three hour trek. I didn’t cry right then and there but you bet I would every time I remember it. That crater really made me not only see God, but it made me feel him and his majesty. Only he can make something so beautiful emerge from something so devastating and tragic. (Feb, 2009)
then the butterflies in Baguio (and everywhere pre and post that trip) which made my God symbol, the butterfly, official. It was his way of telling me he loved me…each time a butterfly (real or symbol) showed up. He relentlessly reminded me that transformation was taking place every second and that the finished work was on its way.
a lot of healing went on there but that was also where my mourning ended. I surrendered many things during my Boracay retreat. (May, 2009)
all this was leading up to today.
Today is my (new) birthday.
and everyone came for my party.
My sister and all her best friends (S, A and B).
Sacha, my sister-fairy godmother.
All the pastors (Pastor A, B, G, J and B.)
The MSNY staff-
Who stopped everything they were doing to fill the tub and pray over and with me,
even if they did not know anything about who I was apart from being M’s sister.
All I could think of the whole time was ‘thank you so so so so much’
‘oh, so this is how it feels … to be so profoundly loved, redeemed, accepted and forgiven.’
I was exactly where I wanted and needed to be.
Surrounded by total strangers in one of the most intimate and profound things I would ever experience.
I would not have had my birthday party any other way.
Just me, these wonderful, generous people and yes, the host, jealous G.
It was powerful
to have ALL the pastors prophesy and pray over me.
for my sister to pray for what she did, the way she did.
for everyone’s tears, including mine, to just flow and flow and flow
and my heart to keep from exploding.
I watched myself listen.
Then I just let go.
Not of my sister’s hand (which I crushed during the whole thing)
but my old self and my controlling, obsessive, overanalytical mind.
then they mentioned DNA, transformation, old skin shedding, traffic, counseling, wisdom, freedom, and change and fighting back to back. together.
Pastor A (right before I got dunked) said he needed to tell me the word, ‘jealousy’.
That G was jealous for me.
That there is a space reserved just for me.
Lush, green pasture, (a place out of the valley) that he holds only for me, so we can spend time alone together.
G made sure that I knew, that he would meet me there today.
That he would do so much more than just show up.
That I would feel this overwhelmingly special.
He gave me the best birthday gift in the world.
He saved me.
What a dream come true.
I was just so overjoyed, overwhelmed and grateful and relieved to be forgiven.
Because I have been sorry for so long.
All the remorse was washed away as that part of me died submerged in the water.
Died onto myself.
So, happy birthday to me.
I don’t want to know myself any other way anymore.
I am His child
G’s creation already perfect in his eyes.
For allowing me to come full circle.
And making my sister play a huge part in it.
I’m finally home sweet home.
And the tears keep flowing and flowing from its source, the well spring of life.
grateful slice: my water baptism and doing it in the most perfect and blessed way (with my sister, her new family, and with Sacha in New York City, June 11, 2009, Thursday.)