Before and after ; Dark and light and dealing with shame.

Woke up feeling I needed to share something today.

It was not instantaneous, mind you.  I had to pray and think about it.  A conversation with M also helped unravel the emotions and the labels.  And what began as a comparison of states of being (read: captured by photographs), has turned into a confession.

(self destruction)

My brother took these pictures a few months ago, during a really sad time.
He called it bittersweet.
I called it whatever won’t kill you, will keep you breathing and give you eyebags.
See the sadness in her eyes, they said.
I wanted to flick a cigarette at them.
Even if they were right.
His pictures told a story. One I didn’t want to be the protagonist of.
But I let him take them anyway.

(not too thrilled) (a tad worried)

(screw it. am pissed off)

The thing is, bringing whatever is dark into the light only turns what has been dark into…well, light; turns it whole and sets it free. It only stays dark and deconstructed when it is hidden, embarrassed and ashamed. It remains broken, trapped, fearful and fragmented when it is suppressed because of disappointment and risking failure and humiliation. It is not the same as lying. That’s different because there is no denial. It’s just not articulating a truth boldly for whatever reason.

Today, I honor all that sadness, pain and loss and celebrate how I/We have brought it out into the light little by little with compassion and gentleness. Having said that though, I also need to articulate something else; the same way Adam Lambert was so obviously gay, but still had to come out and say it in his Rolling Stone cover article debut (Kudos to him! Go Adam!), I have been cryptic about what I have been going through for a reason and need to reverse that somehow now. I felt ashamed and sorry and sad that another relationship had failed. I couldn’t utter the whole truth because it was too painful. Even if I cremated it. Forgave it. Forgave K and Me. It was still a process of comings and goings. Of two steps forwards and three steps back. Of feeling like I failed. That I fell short. Yet again.

So today I say and share it point blank.
Because I am no longer ashamed of it.
Or ashamed. Period.
In fact, I want to be free from it already.
Just want to be free. Period.
Bringing what’s dark into the light so that it can turn to light.

So here goes: My Adam Lambert moment.

Kevin and I broke up last March 13, 2009 in Cebu.
And it made me really, really, really sad to lose someone so precious, to end something that meant the world to me.
There was a lot of pain and beating myself up even if I knew it was the right thing to do; even if I knew I did the best I could, loved him with all my heart and did things differently, with compassion.
We didn’t plan it, things just organically lead that direction.
And frankly, I was not at all ready.
But the relationship is over and for a long time I felt shame.
So I didn’t talk about it.
Not this way.

Even if I wrote about it in this blog.
I did so, cryptically.
Broken entries, just like how my heart and resolve felt and was.
Shamed by another failure.

Not anymore though. (and actually, for awhile now)
Because I have a brand new heart.
A fat one with a lot of love and gratitude, gentleness and inspiration.
I want you all to meet it soon.

Because here I am today.

(pretty happy. With S at the MET, 2009)

(silly gene emerging. Alaska, 2009) ( Content. Times Square with M, 2009)
Free and no longer sorry.
No more sadness in her eyes.

If you have been part of my recovery (and you know who you are), thank you again and again for being part of the story.
For believing in the story.
I didn’t get here alone.
My new, fat heart owes its blessed obesity to you and you and you and You.
I am now the proud (read: I don’t mean the capital sin) protagonist.

grateful slice: freedom, happiness and confession


  1. goldmedalist

    aww, thanks, ninang. ;0

    See you thursday or something. Will let you know if I am going to see the kids at the MOMA.

  2. goldmedalist

    aww, thanks, ninang. ;0

    See you thursday or something. Will let you know if I am going to see the kids at the MOMA.

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