I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Which is weird because I have been known to be able to sleep anywhere, any time. Just like that; out like a light. Last Saturday, I tossed and turned in bed all night. But all I really did was close my eyes and pretend. You know that kind of shallow-fake sleep where it feels like you drank an espresso right before going to bed where your eyes shift and shudder from the clamoring for deep, uninterrupted sleep, or maybe because something really exciting is meant to happen the next day (I used to have this a lot as a kid right before a big field trip in school). Most times for me, it’s the over thinking of something. The never ending over-analysis of a situation, the wondering of an outcome, the replaying of a special event. Whatever the case, the harder I try to sleep, the worse it gets. Sleep becomes more elusive and mysterious, I forget what it feels like to dream.
The sleep deprivation is an indication of something, of course. I am aware of that. I am hot and bothered and excited and nervous and inspired and happy and nauseated and grateful and sleepy and scared and did I already mention the nausea? It’s hitting me just now, I think, the gravity of this thing we’ve begun and have decided to face so soon. The fatigue is making my guard go up somehow. And after moving and thinking and deciding out of the box the past few weeks, I feel like someone put me in a box today. To feel small. So that’s what I feel right now. Small and sleepy.
Anyway, I will try to sleep tonight. Push away the overbearing thoughts and feelings of not being enough. Tomorrow is a different day. And soon, perhaps after Saturday morning, I will find this again. Among other things.
grateful slice: exciting times, being aware and love