I woke up really early this morning to go for a much needed run. Ironically, I needed to get out of my head to get my head together. It’s pretty difficult to do, especially since I seem to be wired to deconstruct and break everything down to little bits to make sense of things. Sometimes, my mind goes on overdrive, heightened and rabid, like Jean-Baptiste Grenouillie sniffing his first kill, becoming increasingly desperate to learn how to preserve the ultimate scent of everything in the world. Just like him, my mind focuses on what it wants to understand especially when it wants to trust something/someone. But, the clutter and the noise and the damage and all the trauma in my head, gang up on everything that makes this world beautiful. As it minces and dissects all the little details that start off from a framed and finished 1000 piece-puzzle, my thoughts are reduced to a pile of flammable pieces that cease to make sense as the panic rises in my chest. Where does this piece fit again? I can’t remember.
I don’t know why I do this. Self-preservation? Or self-destruction? Either way, I realize that I need to just be still, not do anything, not think anything and run.
So that’s what I did.
I woke up at the crack of dawn and ran the first fifteen minutes in the dark. Then as the sun slowly began to rise and light started to peak between trees and branches, I knew I did the right thing. My brain didn’t stop over-analyzing but I stopped listening to it.
Now it is time to write because I want to silence my mind and honor what I am feeling; before my heart completely shuts down and my brain takes the reigns and dooms me to Neurosis Land. Please stop the emotional roller coaster, I want to get off. I am this close to hurling all the chocolate and cheese I emotionally ate yesterday. A vain attempt to chew and swallow all the things I felt and couldn’t comprehend.
So yeah, I do not need to understand everything right now. I just need to accept them as they are, the way there are. I need to trust who is really in charge and I need to shut the hell up.
grateful slice: awareness, discovering who we are (our new and true selves) and salvation through running