It’s easy to get carried away and miss the point. To stare at what you’re used to gazing at. To look at what you think will give you security, love, affirmation, and certainty. And when the new scripts don’t work right away like you thought they would, you start to wonder why. It’s really because you didn’t fully understand it yet; didn’t fully trust it yet, even if you said you did wholeheartedly. You didn’t really get the big picture; the page you were on. The newness of the situation. The difference in pace. The wisdom of what simmers and cooks slowly. You forget this, of course…that instant noodles can’t be considered real food. But that’s what you look at and meditate on as you articulate your new understanding. You start to question everything you’ve learned, unlearned, changed into and you start to bring out your old tricks; the ones you already know don’t really work. You start to tell old stories, stories that no longer apply, stories that diminish, belittle, demoralize, demonize. Stories that used to celebrate who you used to be but no longer are. And it shows how your guard is up. Way up. It reveals how you default into old behavior, rely on your own strength, trust in your strained performance. That the lies and the insecurities prevail. That home is still far away. You freak out at the distance you still need to run. So far, you think. Still so so far until the finish line. You begin to dread the race and forget why you are there, originally wide open, in the first place.
But the dust settles and you realize that it wasn’t the new understanding or the script that was problematic; it wasn’t about knowing how to be, what to do or what to say this time around. It was about what you were focusing on. Or how you shifted what you were focusing on anyway. You realize that you were no longer gazing at what was beautiful, but instead turned to what was dreadful and scary behind you and what is elusive and romanticized way in front of you. It didn’t occur to you to look at the perfect, blue sky. To keep your gaze at what really matters; at who really matters. To move the focus and the blur to where they should be. To trust who is in control. To submit and surrender to who really has your back because he won’t let you down. Because he already sees and knows you.
It’s a hard lesson to learn.
But you are glad you learned it. You now humbly keep your eyes on the prize and fall in love again. Instant noodles, or thinking it’s okay that the genius of Hemingway’s challenge or Madonna’s music escapes him or her is like clamoring for the goat when you can have the fatted calf. It’s just not enough. You’ve been here before and the space you occupied no longer feels right. It never really felt right. If your gaze is where it’s meant to be, the race is not so bad. Actually, it’s not bad at all. In fact, the race becomes a beautiful, glorious thing under the perfect blue sky and it doesn’t matter how much farther you need to go. And you want nothing else but to take your time with the one who loves and sees you for you who you are.
grateful slice: realizations