Y and I got to talking last night (while Tara was busog and passed out on my couch post her yoga class). It’s been awhile since I’ve seen him/them so it was good to catch up during our impromptu dinner (in Hawker Food Station). It’s also so great for friends not to be neurotic at the same time. Real friends take turns. And last night, Y was the extremely healthy one. While I was, well, I was the one who needed some lucid advice. Let’s just put it that way. And I really love Y. He has a way of putting things a certain way. He never fails to give his girls the empowered perspective. He always reminds me that as women, we must love our lives, must celebrate what we’ve accomplished and have become, must not ever apologize for being who we are: Layered, complex, intelligent, complicated, driven, vulnerable and a big ball of contradictions. Even if he did tell me to act like a “man” at times last night. To just be cool and not assume so many things. He, in fact, was just telling me to be open. Not to shut down my heart. Not to sabotage, run or push away. He was telling me to be braver and to take risks. And I was like…wasn’t I? Open and brave? Eep.
So, about being open. I guess, it’s easy to do/be when things are easy. It’s effortless when you are certain, secure or apathetic. Either way, when nothing is at stake, it’s a walk in the park. But when you up the ante, and you have something/everything to lose, it’s easier to pack up and call it a day. Beat whoever to the punch, sabotage your own delusions of grandeur…(let’s see what other cliches can I think of?)…Anyway, after talking to Y, I realized that after thinking how wonderfully open I’ve been, I’ve actually been the total opposite. Afraid to lose and ready to run, far, far away. I don’t want to get hurt, I told him. Not again.
Then he asked me, what’s the worst thing that can happen? Won’t you be okay, regardless?
I said yes. I would be okay. And that was that.
grateful slice: the wisdom of friends and trusting your heart to G.