Crossroads

left or right, black or white, this or that, love and splat

I knew this day would come. Where I would have to make some kind of choice or clear stand on this particular thing because of my faith. I know what I thought about it growing up. I know what the Word says about it. I know I feared, resented, questioned, then embraced it for a long time. And I now know that I can’t condemn it because it involves too many people I love. Also, because by doing that, it defeats the whole global citizenship, all-accepting, non-judgmental, celebrating diversity and affirming what connects us stance we try to teach our kids. It won’t be aligned with what I believe in as an educator and it’ll be like living in the 50’s to accept that way of thinking. Dark and damp.

But that’s just it…I am at a crossroads because now both sides look acceptable to me. Not wrong, but that both sides have their point/s.

My two worlds have been colliding recently and today, I was convicted. I get it now. My own reverse discrimination. How intense that first conversation must have been for A. How it was also not fair that I expect most people to be as exposed and accepting. How I assume that people will be as progressive. How I make a double take when people say some misguided things about the whole situation. I mean, this is the 21st century, right? And yet…this way of thinking is still really only along the margin. It’s still held by the minority. It’s still wrong in the minds of most people. And this time, thought by people I love too. Does it matter to them that it’s not a cerebral thing for me. But a heart thing? And that I can’t answer the question … don’t you think it’s wrong? Can’t we just leave it at that, please?  Why do I have to choose a position on the matter?

So what to do? What to think? Is it right or wrong? Is it this or that? Do I really have to take a stand about it?  Is that necessary? Or do You just want me to let go of that single story so I don’t identify with or feel protective and strongly  about it anymore. Not be attached to it anymore so that I don’t take it to heart when people don’t understand. Because if they can’t accept it, then they won’t be able to accept parts of me and people I love? But is that even possible?  To have parts of what was important to you disappear? That’s a lot of history, love, education, acceptance, unlearning and learning to erase. Can you really just disown those bits?

HHhhmmm….I don’t know. I am not sure I can reconcile these two “possibles” from my two worlds. I really don’t know. But what I do get is why A and S and K reacted the way they did, when they did. I am the odd one out on this one when it comes to that world. Not him or them. I expected too much. I am not apologizing for it, though. That’s also hypocritical. I just understand it/him/them more now. I understand how it might have left them perturbed.

And now I have more respect for A for being as open as he was. Between the two of us, he was truly the more open one. And I clung to my culture shock. It’s really one irony after the other. The progressive one is trapped in her own “progressive” ideas and expectations. Only to be the closed and judgmental one.  WTH. Y is right. The complexities are multi-layered and all around us.  And it pays to be true and aware, even if we have to be kind to ourselves in the process.  It’s the thin line which separates growth and sabotage.  Patterns that destroy movement and the letting of things be.  It’s a very individualized, personal thing and bringing it out into the light — the only way to vanquish it.

But at the crossroads, while only the next step is clear and nothing beyond that, the tug at my terrified and expecting heart makes me put one foot in front of the other. In faith, I believe I will be led where I am supposed to end up, which is beautiful and beyond what I could possibly ever imagine. And I swear, I won’t let go, I won’t stop wrestling with G until he blesses me and fulfills every promise.  🙂  The worst thing to do is look back and be paralyzed with fear. Or to rush forward blind because I want to do things my way, quickly. Or to stand still and not know why; that’s still a position of little faith at the crossroads. One foot in front of the other, believing, expecting, delighting, excited and filled with joy. Not by my own will or plan but by His –which is always good, pleasing and perfect. It’s about what He is revealing to me about me and His greatness that prepares me for the T/truth.  No matter what it is.  Wisdom does come with a price.  Dang it.

grateful slice: thinking aloud and accepting my own ignorance and delayed reaction.

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