I found this old draft buried in my Drafts folder …
I thought guilt was the culprit all this time, especially being born and raised Catholic. For years, after having discovered who I thought I wanted to be outside of my mom’s religion, discovered my “power” as a woman, my “strength” in discourse and identity in my sexuality, I found some sort of tenuous voice to assert and articulate the many misguided things I thought I believed in. So when I woke up from my feminist slumber….I said, piss on guilt. Guilt oppresses. It kills. It stunts and suffocates. It makes you feel, well, dirty. Until you say screw it. That (religion) is just about control, colonization and fallen priests who have set their sights on unassuming (guilty) choir boys. Ha! Piss on guilt, I said. Thinking that it was guilt that made me feel, well, bad and exhausted.
Recently though, I have decided that it’s not about guilt but shame. Shame is worse than guilt because there is nobody to blame; there’s no god to point a finger at when it comes to avoiding icky feelings. No one to look at but the worried, sleep deprived, tired reflection on the mirror. I believe though, that we are not born ashamed. We are taught to be that along the way. We learn to keep secrets and hide the best parts about us. We learn to settle, to choose poorly, live with pain and consequences and in quiet desperation. We learn to embrace the selves that resemble the tiniest versions of who we are.
OMG. What the heck was I talking about? going through? thinking about? I honestly can’t remember anymore. I tried, racked my brain, dug deep….but nothing. I can’t remember wth.
And today, I am grateful for that
because I am a new creation.
[So then, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; what is old has passed away–look, what is new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17) ]
I am agog at the thought that I already go by a different voice, a different truth, a different narrative. Thanks, G.
grateful slice: forgetting guilt AND shame that make us cling to the tiniest versions of ourselves