It’s midnight and I am still working.
Don’t ask me why because it is a combination of many things.
From the fear of failure to facing the irrational/impossible demands of being a perfectionist, to the inevitable tendency to procrastinate (this to assuage the pain from possibly producing a lemon so you wait until you are ready to be perfect), it can become a complicated mix of adrenaline, sleep deprivation, caffeine tremors, self inflicted pressure, lousy time management and that sense of accomplishment when you eventually get things done. It’s a vicious cycle really and a bunch of fatal flaws.
And the deadlines keep coming. Once one thing ends, another REALLY important thing that began even before that other thing ended needs attention. Perfect, undivided attention because they needed it yesterday. Pulled from all directions, I can’t help but feel like Westley (from “Princess Bride”) on The (life sucking) Machine. Dddddzzzzzzzzzttttzzzz.
In there though, is a different reality.
In the universe in that little silver box, I finish work at 4:30 pm. Get to do yoga often and regularly. My room is spotless and the bag I used for Sagada is unpacked (yes, it’s still sitting there with stuff inside) and neatly stored. I write a chapter everyday for my upcoming novel and have fabulous mid-week dinners with friends in snazzy restaurants in the metro. I have 13 book titles on my 50 Books Challenge Page and not *gulp* just two. I laugh all the time and not make sungit to good friends at work. I sleep early, run thrice a week and spend quality quiet time with G every sunrise. In that reality, I am vegan, I have a beach house just a two hour drive away and heck, I have twenty awesome cameras/lenses and I can paint AND draw. Okay, since we are at it, in that parallel world, I can sing. And I mean, sing like Sarah Mclachlan/Alicia Keys/Jennifer Hudson, dress up like Gwen Stefani and not care about what people think like Pink.
And all deadlines are met with a smile and with a spring in my step. Yup, somewhere, somewhen, there’s a version of me sound asleep, having a peak experience with Morpheus, the prince of dreams, instead of here, well, wide awake and working (or writing during a work break).
Escape is a great thing. Getting away in slivers allow parts of us to recover. Even just a little. Like that tiny antique box.
Okay,work break done. Thanks for listening and going with me … in there.
I love love love my job but sometimes, it’s hard to be me.
grateful slice: fatal flaws, cyberspace, writing, work breaks and acceptance.