I tell you that I have a long way to go before I am—where one begins….
You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
Resolve to be always beginning—to be a beginner!
Reusing Rilke. His words always seem to resonate with me. Just can’t get enough of using his letters to a young poet. The last time I used his words concerning being patient with things unsolved in my heart was when I was mind blown by India and being overstimulated in Mumbai. A maximum city can do that. Who knew a broken heart would send his words tumbling down the rabbit hole on to the plaster that would bandage the cracks of the organ I didn’t guard.
I know it will take time to mourn and heal, and today is Day 1 even if it really isn’t. I bike to and from school these days to change my morning routine. Twenty more days to break an old habit and start a brand new one. Recovery is expensive and is a pain in the butt.
I am looking forward to my future self thanking me for doing this. That’s the next step. Right now, my present self is really sorry. Sorry to my cracked and beaten heart.
Anyway, two things made me smile today though, Bishop’s villanelle and a song Yason sent me “Since I Left You” by The Avalanches. Here they are and here goes…
Elizabeth Bishop, “One Art” from The Complete Poems 1926-1979. Copyright © 1979, 1983 by Alice Helen Methfessel. Reprinted with the permission of Farrar, Straus & Giroux, LLC.
Source: The Complete Poems 1926-1979 (Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1983)
grateful slice: making a hard decision and sticking to it
It’s day four and it’s also back to work for us. I was expecting a difficult day. I mean, I knew I would be surrounded by a lot of people most of the time, surrounded by food and a lot of ways to rationalize how I need to “replenish” my energy through other means beyond taking in liquids. It’s easy to fast when you are alone and just at home amusing yourself with work or blogging. So I braced myself. I woke up extra early and made sure I had quality quiet time. Which was good because turns out, it wasn’t so bad. I stuck to the plan somehow and aside from feeling a little sleepy from time to time, I survived the first day back in school unscathed. It’s amazing actually, even after realizing just how much work there is to be done week by week by April 5, I remained calm and composed. I thought by this time I would be delirious and well, ravenous. But no, it’s been the total opposite.
O’ me of little faith. 🙂 Thanks, G. You are enough.
But boy, did I miss the kids. Seeing all of them also made me feel full in so many ways too. They really are an extraordinary bunch. I can’t wait to read their Who am I? essays. 🙂 (an entry on that later.)
Okay, so day four. I had to go to the 9th day thing of Kuya Bong yesterday and an aunt asked me why I was fasting. She asked if I was asking G for something. And I said, no, just doing it to get to know Him more; to increase my faith, aggressively deepen my walk with Him and listen to his good, pleasing and perfect will more closely. I hope I answered her question. Anyway, it’s not the hunger that preoccupies me anymore actually. It’s this question:
Where to, G?
Where do you want me to go next next year? And what’s the next clear step to make sure I am deciding according to your will? Where do you want me to go?
Hhmm…come to think of it, I guess that is in a way, asking Him for something, right? An answer to a bunch of questions. Where to, G?
grateful slice: thinking aloud, making cuento and questions we willingly ask