I tell you that I have a long way to go before I am—where one begins….
You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
Resolve to be always beginning—to be a beginner!
Reusing Rilke. His words always seem to resonate with me. Just can’t get enough of using his letters to a young poet. The last time I used his words concerning being patient with things unsolved in my heart was when I was mind blown by India and being overstimulated in Mumbai. A maximum city can do that. Who knew a broken heart would send his words tumbling down the rabbit hole on to the plaster that would bandage the cracks of the organ I didn’t guard.
I know it will take time to mourn and heal, and today is Day 1 even if it really isn’t. I bike to and from school these days to change my morning routine. Twenty more days to break an old habit and start a brand new one. Recovery is expensive and is a pain in the butt.
I am looking forward to my future self thanking me for doing this. That’s the next step. Right now, my present self is really sorry. Sorry to my cracked and beaten heart.
Anyway, two things made me smile today though, Bishop’s villanelle and a song Yason sent me “Since I Left You” by The Avalanches. Here they are and here goes…
Elizabeth Bishop, “One Art” from The Complete Poems 1926-1979. Copyright © 1979, 1983 by Alice Helen Methfessel. Reprinted with the permission of Farrar, Straus & Giroux, LLC.
Source: The Complete Poems 1926-1979 (Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1983)
grateful slice: making a hard decision and sticking to it
What’s up with this year? So many great people dying, so many things coming to an end (whether expected or unexpected), way too many farewells marking the end of an era and what-you-thought-things-might-bees.
something has to be said about good-byes and old doors closing. It’s a good thing they happen.
It gives people the opportunity to say thank you from the deepest recesses of their hearts. (enough to walk for eight hours on a superhighway to watch the cortege of a great woman/leader in yellow pass by or for a world to weep over a musical genius, a Pinoy rapper or 80’s cult classic director) Their deaths have changed perceptions and have empowered people to focus on what truly matters – what these individuals have done, who they are as people, their legacy. Now, if only we could’ve been this graciously grateful while they were alive. Erm, that’s for another entry, I think.
Also, new doors open. Perhaps the ones we have been waiting for or the ones beyond our wildest imaginings. Those are the best. It could also be a door so subtle and quiet and one that has been wide open for awhile now but we were just not aware of because we had been staring at a closed one for so so long. Those are cool too because they catch us by surprise and give us relief that we were never alone or left without choices.
Just as old skin need to be shed to make way for transformation, all things need to come to their end to unravel what’s in between and unsaid. The gray area has been romantic and fun. But finality, the clarity of things ending…although there is no mystery except for what’s beyond that, at least there is certainty that the new and hopeful and extraordinary is on its way. Or already right there where you can feel it.
grateful slice: death and endings
inxs: we will miss you Tita C., MJ, Francis M, Frank McCourt and John Hughes. Salams nang Marams. May you rest in peace.